18 is Not a Magic Number — CMB Post

This was originally posted on the now defunct Chicago Moms Blog.

My twins turned 18 last November and are seniors in high school. Since last spring break, my daughter has been researching and visiting colleges, completing applications, filing for financial aid and pacing the floors with worry and excitement over where she'll be going to school in the fall.

My son has been going to high school. He gets up every morning, does his routine and goes to class. He hears and sees his sister whirling dervishly around the house, and spouting words like "deadlines", "recommendations" and "essays". It has had no affect on him. When asked what he plans to do after graduation, his eyes kind of glaze over and he launches into a brief nondenial denial that he has pieced together from things he's overheard.

"I'm not quite sure yet, but I'll probably take a few community college classes, do some volunteer work and get some kind of part time job. I'm just not ready to think beyond that right now."

It's a reasonable statement, I suppose, except that he doesn't really understand what any of that would actually entail, and he has done nothing to find out more information.

I have been a nervous wreck about him, but getting one kid ready for college has taken a lot of energy, so mostly I've been working with the girl, fretting about the boy, and feeling guilty all around. And hyperventilating my way through sleepless nights. And yelling gently hinting things like: "You are not living in my house for the rest of your life," and "Playing video games is not a viable career choice."

Then, one day, I listened - really listened - to my son's press conference statement. Especially the last sound bite. "I'm just not ready to think beyond that right now." And I realized that 18 is not a magic number; it's just a number, just the next birthday in what we hope will be a long line of birthdays to come. And that, in and of itself, is a miracle.

Born at 24 weeks and just 1.5 pounds, we didn't really think he would see any birthdays. Both twins were significantly delayed. Just to put things in perspective, he was born November 17 and came home from the hospital on March 27; he walked at 23 months; he talked at 4.5 years old. He weighed just 27 pounds when he started kindergarten, and 47 pounds when he started middle school.

Now, he's 18. He has finally caught up physically. He is intellectually very bright, but has a short-term memory deficit, a sequencing disorder (part of his learning disabilities) and some ADD issues. He will be graduating with his sister and his peers in June. He is among the kindest people I have ever met.

This spring break, we are visiting Beacon College, the only accredited college offering BA and AA degrees for students with learning disabilities, ADHD and gifted LD. My mom heard about the school and sent him the link. I suggested that we could visit, but he went to the college resource center at school and he made the appointment for us to tour the campus. Will this be the right place for him? Who knows. Will he be ready to go in the fall, or even the spring? I doubt it.

Why I ever thought that 18 would be a magic number, that he would suddenly start to reach milestones on someone else's schedule instead of his own, is only proof that I'm the one still suffering from developmental delays. My son is right on schedule. So, what comes next? I know what we're doing for spring break. I'm just not ready to think beyond that right now.

When Susan isn't worried about developmental delays, student loans and sending her kids to college, she can be found writing at Two Kinds of People and on her freelance writing Website, www.bearman.us. This is an original Chicago Moms Blog post.

iPhones — New Help for Special Needs Kids — CMB

This post originally appeared on the now defunct Chicago Moms Blog.

Disclaimer — I do not now nor have I ever worked for Apple, and they haven't paid me in goods or dollars for this post (although I'm open to negotiation).

Last month, my twins turned 18. I'm still in deep denial over what is clearly a blip in the time-space continuum. I know for a fact that it was just a few days ago when we were huddled around their isolettes in the NICU, watching in awe as their tiny 24-week bodies struggled to survive. And now … well, I just can't go there yet.

We have been so blessed, so lucky. Their delays, while significant, were just that — delays. They are both fully-functioning, healthy, happy (adult?) human beings, enjoying their senior year in high school and starting to think about the future. My daughter has taken the wheel on her road to life and is well on her way to independence. Her brother, who has had more physical and learning issues, still has a way to go.

For their 18th birthday, we got them each iPhones. During such difficult economic times, it's reasonable to ask why would we spring for such a hot, trendy, extravagant gift as an iPhone. That, I can tell you in two words — assistive technology.

The lingering issues that continue to affect my son as a result of his extreme prematurity are:

• low tone/graphomotor issues — he explains it like this: "It's really hard for me to think and write at the same time."
• short-term memory deficit — he would explain it to you, if only he could remember. Seriously, one of his teachers once told me: "He seemed to understand. He repeated it back to me exactly." He does understand — he understands everything, he just can't remember once the cue is gone.
• sequencing disorder — trouble breaking down tasks into reasonable chunks and completing them in the right order in a reasonable amount of time.

I have long believed that my son was lucky to be born when he was — that technology would be his friend. I still believe that, but there have been some bumps along the way: an addiction to video games and losing three (count them, three) cell phones his freshman year. During the few days he managed to hold on to his cell phone, he never remembered to turn it on, so I couldn't reach him any way.

Then, last year, he used his birthday money to buy himself an iPod Nano. Miracle of miracles, he did not lose it. He kept it turned off during school, but remembered to turn it on after school so he could listen on his way home. About a month ago, we had a meeting with his assistive technology specialist at school. A long-time PC person, she recently got an iPhone and is tremendously excited about the potential it holds for many of her students.

Assistive technology runs the gamut from wheelchairs to customized computers that allow quadriplegics to communicate with eye blinks. The field is exploding, but much of it is hugely expensive. While the initial outlay for the iPhone (about $200 for the middle-range iPhone) isn't too bad, the $30 monthly bite per phone for the data package adds up fast. We learned, however, that unlike computer programs, iPhone apps are pretty inexpensive (often free), and there are new ones every day. While there are many PDAs out there, the iPhone offered some distinct advantages, first and foremost the fact that it would be my son's new iPod, so we were pretty sure he would hold on to it.

It's fairly obvious how the calendar and organizational apps could help someone with short-term memory problems, but the iPhone apps offer much more than simple datebook functionality. For example, there's an app called VoCal that allows my son to record a voice message on his phone, which then translates into a written calendar reminder.

And it works! Our first iPhone success came after a missed orthodontist appointment one Friday. That night, he added the orthodontist's phone number to his contacts and entered a voice reminder into his phone. That entry sent him an alert after school on Monday to call the orthodontist for a new appointment. My son gets out of school at 3:35. By the time I called him at 3:45, he had already made the new appointment and entered it onto the calendar, which automatically sent an email to me so I could put it on the family calendar. That may sound like a small thing, but it was one giant leap toward independence for him and peace of mind for me.

That ability to recognize voice commands is a huge advantage for a kid with graphomotor issues. The sensitive microphone allows him to use his voice in a variety of ways, bypassing the need to write (and even draw). For example, there is an app called Omni Note. Say his horticulture teacher draws a picture of a plant cell on the board and tells the class to copy it for a quiz on Monday. This would be extremely difficult for my son to do, and the end result would not look anything like the original.

With the Omni Note app on the iPhone, my son could take a picture of the diagram, draw directly on that picture, add a typed and/or voice message to the picture and send it immediately to his computer at home so he could study it over the weekend. How cool is that?

His teachers are also on board, allowing him to keep his iPhone out and on throughout the day. He doesn't text and we haven't given out his phone number, so there is no risk of interruption during class. As part of his sequencing disorder, he has trouble organizing his thoughts into a coherent structure in school papers. One of his English teachers had the brilliant idea of having him research new apps and, as an assignment for class, write out the directions on how to use it (a great sequencing and organizational exercise), and include a paragraph or two about how he, personally, is using the app (a good way to practice his analytical skills).

Right now, our district would have provided him with an iPod Touch, which has some, but not nearly all the functions of the iPhone. The integrated microphone of the iPhone is a big part of the functionality my son needs to make this tool work for him, so we opted to make a family investment.

I understand that this is new technology, which is often scary and expensive for schools to contemplate, but I urge educators to jump on this bandwagon early. The potential of the iPhone for special needs students is vast and untapped, and this generation of students is already immersed in technology. This seems to me to represent the best that technology has to offer — a chance for students to overcome (even bypass) their disabilities and get right to the good stuff — the learning.

How did we justify making the same investment for our daughter? We told her it was because it would be a good tool for her at college next year, and it will be, but really, this is just one of those times when she should be darn grateful for her twin brother.

This is an original Chicago Moms Blog post. When Susan isn't busy trying to figure out how such a young mom can have such old children, she can be found writing at Two Kinds of People and The Animal Store Blog.

Bedtime Tips

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who are good at putting kids to bed and those who aren't.

If bedtime was a credit course at Mom School, I would be teaching at the graduate level. Did you know lack of sleep puts children at risk for a variety of mental and physical problems? But bedtime doesn't have to be a nightmare. The following post on how you can get your child into a good bedtime routine, improve everyone's mood and reduce family stress, was originally posted on HubPages.

I Give Good Bed
Around these parts, I am known as the Queen of Bedtime. In fact, my bedtime prowess even led to a new friendship. Some years ago, a woman I knew of but had never met, called me and said: “I heard a rumor that your kids are in bed by eight o’clock.”

“No,” I replied.

“I knew it was too good to be true,” she lamented.

“My kids are in bed by 7:30,” I said, “they’re asleep by 8:00.”

I told her my techniques and exactly one week later she called to say: “It worked! You’re my new best friend and I’m taking you out to dinner!” We have been best friends ever since.

Why Do Children Need Regular Bedtimes?
In today’s fast-paced world, developing and sticking to a regular bedtime seems like a Herculean task. We are all so busy with work and lessons and play dates and school that bedtime is often defined as the time when we finally get our children into bed. But studies have shown that children who don’t get adequate rest are at risk for a multitude of mental and physical problems, including:

• Depression
• Increased rates of injury
• Behavioral problems and learning difficulties
• Excessive worry
• Obesity Increased rates of tardiness and absence from school
• Aggression
• Headaches and stomachaches
• And, ironically, insomnia

When you consider that sleep deprivation has been used throughout history as a form of torture, it’s not surprising that a lack of sleep can cause all these problems and more. For most parents, all you have to do is recall those early days of your child’s infancy to bring back the horrors of sleep deprivation — the headaches, moodiness, feelings of disorientation and, often, despair. It’s no different for your children.

How Much Sleep Do Children Need?
According to Michael J. Breus, PhD, a diplomat of the American Board of Sleep Medicine in Westchester, IL, the amount of sleep varies depending on the age of the child:

• 1-3 years : 12 - 14 hours per day
• 3-6 years: 10 ¾ - 12 hours per day
• 7-12 years: 10 - 11 hours per day
• 12-18 years: 8 ¼ - 9 ½ hours per day

Some children need more sleep than others. Learn to recognize the signs that your child is not getting enough sleep:

• Irritability or frequent tantrums
• Excessive daytime sleepiness
• Changes in mood or behavior
• Snoring (which can be a sign of sleep apnea — a sometimes dangerous condition where people stop breathing for short periods when sleeping)

Sleep Habits are Learned Behaviors
Though sleep can be defined as “a natural and periodic state of rest during which consciousness of the world is suspended”, good sleep habits are learned, not born. In his seminal guide to children and sleep, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Marc Weissbluth, MD, explains in detail the importance of developing good sleep habits in your child right from the start.
Let’s be clear: short of drugs, you can’t make someone fall asleep. Sleeping is a private, personal matter. Giving your children the tools they need to soothe themselves into a restful night’s sleep is a gift that will last a lifetime.

How to Make Bedtime Work for You
My family is no exception to the modern phenomenon of being overscheduled, but we strive to make missed bedtimes the exception, not the rule. When my teenagers moan that their friends don’t have bedtimes, I remind them that I am not their friends’ mom; I am their mom. I have known my children their whole lives and I can tell when they are not getting enough sleep.

I would like to claim that I have been a paragon of bedtime virtue right from the start, but in my case, necessity was the mother of invention. When my preemie twins came home from the hospital, my husband had just started a new business and was working crazy long hours, including every evening and every weekend. By 7:30 p.m., I was completely done, so I developed our first bedtime routine. It was the only way I could survive.

Set Up a Routine and Stick To It
Routine is the key to successful bedtimes. The goal should be to wind down the day to a quiet place that invites sleep.

Explain the Rules — We can’t expect children to obey rules they don’t know or understand. If your family has developed bad bedtime habits, don’t despair. Just decide on your new routine and lay it out for your kids. Ideally, you should do this first thing in the morning, but definitely not right before bedtime. Use the voice of an outside authority (lie if you have to): “Dr. So-and-so believes we are not getting enough sleep in this family, so starting tonight we are going to have a new bedtime routine.”

Be clear and thorough: What time will you start getting ready for bed? What time is “lights out”? What will the consequences be for not obeying the new rules?

Kids Take Their Cues from You, So Set the Tone — Most of your kids’ attitudes about sleeping and bedtime will come from you. When my children were very little and only understood facial and verbal cues, I would sing our way up the stairs to bed, smiling and cheering: “Guess what time it is — every mama’s favorite time of day — bedtime!” For many years, they were naïve enough to cheer right along with me.

Whenever my children are away from home for even one night, when it comes time for bed I always whisper some reinforcing words in their ears, like: “I’m glad you had fun at your sleepover, but doesn’t if feel great to be home in your own wonderful bed.” They almost always smile and snuggle in more deeply.

Help Your Child Identify a Portable, Safe Transitional Item — “Transitional item” is just a fancy word for a “woobie” or a “lovey” or a “blankie” — a stuffed animal or blanket-like object that your child can use to comfort himself. Some children identify their transitional item early on; others want to take the whole menagerie of stuffed animals into bed with them. It’s best to have just one (a few a most). One of my sons used a cloth diaper, which was great, because we had tons of them and they were interchangeable. My other children had one-of-a-kind items that were not replaceable, but worked for them (Skanky Blankie, Itchy Rainbow Blankie, Honey Bunny and Pooh Bear are all adopted members of our family).

Remove the Obvious Obstacles to Bedtime — Most of these are pretty obvious:

• don’t give your kids caffeine.
• try to stick to quiet activities in the hour before bedtime.
• don’t take phone calls or get involved in projects at bedtime; if you get distracted, so will your kids and the next thing you know, you’ll have to start the whole process over again.
• turn off the TV (and other screens, such as video games and computers) at least a half hour before bedtime. Fast-paced television programs can act as stimulants, and scary programs can lead to nightmares or a fear of them.
• cut back on excessive activities. This is probably the hardest thing to do at first — learning to say no to some fabulous opportunity for your child to learn or experience something new. But over scheduling can lead to postponed bedtimes and interrupted routines.

Don’t use bedtime as a form of punishment — I believe children should think of their beds as the safest, most comfortable, most wonderful place in the world. To this end, I never use early bedtime as punishment. I may say: “It seems to me that you are very tired today, so we are going to get an early start to make sure you get to bed on time.” I don’t send my children to their bedrooms for time out discipline, either. I may say: “It seems to me that you could use some time alone. Why don’t you go play in your room until you are ready to rejoin the family.”

Take care of business before bed — Make sure your children brush their teeth, get a drink and use the bathroom before you tuck them into bed. Take the “bathroom” question out of the equation. If your child is old enough to use the bathroom alone, she is old enough to do it without asking questions. Simply say: “If you have to go, go, but then get right back into bed.”

Limit Bedtime Stories — I believe in reading to your children, but in our house, a bedtime story means one story — my choice. Why just one? Negotiation is the death knell of a smooth bedtime. Once you start negotiating, you are doomed. Like the true predators they are, sleepy children can smell fear and will attack if they spot slightest sign of weakness. Pick another time of day to enrich your child with story telling. One bedtime story is enough to help your child settle down for the night.

The Answer is “No” — I tell my children that I am a great mama (OK, slight exaggeration) until bedtime. I will listen to them, answer their questions and try to say “yes” whenever it is reasonable and safe. After bedtime, the answer to any question they have is “no”.

• “Can I have some juice?” No.
• “Can I read with a flashlight?” No.
• “Can I go to college?” No, not tonight, go to sleep.

If you have a quick-witted child like my youngest, you need to be prepared for the inevitable smart-aleck question: “If the answer to any question is ‘no’, does that me I don’t have to go back to bed now?”

A smart-aleck question deserves a smart-aleck answer: “I’m sorry, but the answer center is closed. Please check back in the morning, and be sure to ask for your consequence for getting out of bed.”

Keep the Transition Short — Once you have read your one bedtime story, keep the hugs and kisses, goodnight wishes, and tucks brief. Beware of stall tactics, such as:

• “Mom, what was your favorite story when you were little?”
• “Mom, where do babies come from?
• “Mom, what if I hate college and can’t find a job?”

Believe it or not, my children have tried all of these. Kids can be sneaky little varmints, so I had to hone my skills and learn to recognize a wide variety of procrastination techniques. The solution for almost of them is simple: “Honey, I’d be happy to talk about this with you — tomorrow. Good night.”

The Ultimate Bedtime Secret
I absolutely swear by this one: stories on tape (or CD or iPod download). This is much better than letting your kid read in bed because she can do it in the dark. The rule is that they can listen to as many stories or chapters as they want as long as they stay in bed. If they get out of bed or start fooling around, the audio player gets taken away. For most kids, listening to a story in the dark while snuggled warmly in bed will help them fall asleep in short order.

Stories for every age and every taste are available in audio format, with more titles being added every day. My kids loved the Rabbit Ears Radio. Audio books can be expensive, but most public libraries have a good selection, or considering setting up a swap among your friends.

Common Bedtime Mistakes
I have given this advice to many people over the years, and most have had success with it. Occasionally, however, it doesn’t work and this is usually the result of substituting one bad routine with another. For example, one woman I knew decided that her new bedtime routine would include either her or her husband laying down with their child until he fell asleep. It’s true that the kid stayed in bed, but she didn’t learn to fall asleep on her own.
One other mistake that parents make is trying to adopt a routine that is too long or difficult to maintain. Keep it simple. Do what works for your family, and don’t be afraid to change the routine if it isn’t working.

Better Bedtimes Mean Happier Families
Once you get bedtime under control, you will experience a noticeable drop in your household stress level. Bedtime will no longer be a tug of war, but rather a satisfying ending to the day. I guarantee that a better bedtime will make you happier mom or dad.
These tips worked for me (most of the time). Let me know if they work for you. And, if you are so moved, please feel free to send me a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant.
Photo credits: Starry Night (top) by Drennen; Bedtime Story by greypoint, both via flickr.com.

Photo credit: Boogie Asleep by Jennifer Gensch via a Creative Commons License

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