Hotter Than a Match Head

From the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood: 

Younger Caro: Ugh. There's not a single goddamn breeze in Lousiana. 
Younger Necie Kelleher: Someone please wring me out? 
Younger Vivi: We cannot just sit here and puddle. We have to make our own goddamn breeze. 

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love summer—heat and all—and those who live for air conditioning. It's definitely been a hot town this summer in the city of Chicago. But am I complaining? No I am not. You see, I like to complain about the cold in February and it seems to me more than just a bit hypocritical to also complain about summer heat.

Don't get me wrong. When the the power went out for a good part of the day on Wednesday with the thermometer popping over the 100° mark, I wasn't thrilled to be without even a bedroom airconditioner (or the idea of losing a couple of hundred dollars worth of groceries). But the ComEd guys came to the rescue, working well past 9:00 p.m. on the 4th of July to replace one of the transformers in our alley and getting us back on the grid by the time the fireworks were over. We gave them a standing ovation (the linemen, not the fireworks, although those were good, too).

Despite the anomaly of the 2011-2012 winter, November through mid March tends to be long and cold here in the midwest (my brother would say October through May, but he's turned into a California weather wimp). And I know mild winters and hot, dry summers are sure signs that Al Gore is right and that we should be way passed panicking about Global Warming, because it's already upon us. But I still like long, hot summer days.

I usually boil myself in the shower or bath until I'm lobster red, but on a hot, hot day, there's nothing like washing the dirt and grit off the back of your neck in a cold (OK, cool) shower. Or diving into a pool or lake. Or running through a sprinkler. Or getting caught is a flash thundershower. These are pleasures that can't be replicated on those temperate days so touted by San Franciscans and San Diegons. Sometimes you just need hot, hot to wring the joy out of cold, cold.

Cold, cold movie theaters.
Cold, cold lemonade.
Cold, cold popsicles that drip down your chin.

In regular summers, most airconditioned spaces are just too cold. Why would I want to wear a sweater in the middle of July?

In regular summers, lemonade is just a sugary-sweet drink that makes my teeth feel fuzzy.

In regular summers, a plain old popsicle just doesn't compare to Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Crunch®. But on a hot, hot day, a popsicle wins hands down.

And to those of you howling about the dog days of summer, don't just sit there and puddle. Go out and make your own goddamn breeze. Or come February, don't come crying to me.

What's your favorite summer cooler? Tell me in a comment.

Twice Cream

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who like ice cream and those who don't.

OK, I've never actually met anyone who doesn't like ice cream, except this one guy who said he could take it or leave it. Maybe he was having personal problems — or perhaps he was lactose intolerant.

Tantalizing in taste, texture and temperature, there is something almost unbearably sensual about ice cream. It starts as a creamy solid and melts slowly, extravagantly around your tongue, releasing its sweetness and the secrets of its more delicate flavors into your mouth.

I'll never forget the look on my daughter's face when she first tasted ice cream as a toddler. Initially shocked and confused, she puckered her lips against the sudden cold. As the rich chocolate seeped through, her eyes widened in delight and her mouth parted into an eager smile, little hands reaching for the cone.

Frozen desserts have been tempting us for thousands of years. Nero (A.D. 37-68) was a fan of ice flavored with honey and fruit, and there is some evidence that the Chinese created the first iced dairy delicacy. America has literally grown up on ice cream; both Washington and Jefferson were known for serving it to their guests and our first public ice cream parlor opened in New York in 1776.

Ice cream represents democracy at its best. Price points range from about 50 cents for kid-friendly pushups to thousand dollar sundaes served in a crystal goblet with an 18-carat gold spoon at Manhattan's Serendipity 3. Ice cream flavors have been designed to meet the needs of every personality and mood: from traditional vanilla, fruity strawberry and nutty Rocky Road, to abstract Blue Moon and even exotic wasabi.

What makes ice cream ice cream? While many desserts are made from its key ingredients of cream, milk, sugar and flavorings, to be labeled "ice cream" according to the International Dairy Foods Association (IFDA), the confection in question must contain at least 10% milk fat and weigh at least 4.5 pounds per gallon.

Frozen custard is the same as ice cream, but also contains at least 1.4% egg yolk. Sherbet has between 1-2% milk fat and slightly more sweetener than ice cream. The Italian version, gelato, differs in that it usually has more intense flavor and is served semi-frozen. Sorbet, the oldest form of frozen dessert, contains no dairy and is made of sweetened ice flavored with fruit, chocolate, wine or liqueur. Frozen yogurt is exactly what it says — frozen yogurt.

For my taste, Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk® is the best of the best. To date, Oink's Dutch Treat in New Buffalo, Michigan is my favorite ice cream parlor. Offering 55 flavors, Oink's make it hard to choose (try the cherry with chocolate flakes). 

Perhaps it's no coincidence that I have landed in Evanston, IL, a town that lays claim to naming the ice cream sundae (duking it out with Ithaca, NY and Two Rivers, WI for the bragging rights). In a cup or a cone, in a sundae or alone, ice cream may be the perfect food — except the part where it's bad for your diet … and your cholesterol … and your thighs.

Here's where living in Evanston meets my needs in a whole new way. The other day, my girl friend called and said: "Pick me up. I need frozen yogurt." Why bother, I thought. "This stuff is the best," she said, reading my mind, "and only 90 calories for a small." I have assiduously avoided the nutrition information on Ben & Jerry cartons, but for the purposes of this essay, I thought I better do the research. Those who don't want to know should skip on down to the next paragraph. New York Super Fudge Chunk contains 300 calories per 1/2 cup serving. Yikes.

So, we went to the new frozen yogurt place in town, Red Mango™. It was two minutes to closing and the place was mobbed. I looked up at the menu to discover that they offer only two flavors — original and green tea. The cynic in me could barely justify a late night dessert run that did not include chocolate, but since my friend was buying, I tried a small original with fresh raspberries.

Look out, B&J, I may have found a new home. Curiously satisfying, this treat offers all the fun of ice cream for less than a third of the caloric price. It has a little bit of sour mixed with the sweet, and you can add fresh fruit, as well as some weird dry toppings (Fruity Pebbles, anyone?). It even claims to be good for you, containing no artificial anything and something called probiotics, credited with improving digestive health and the immune system.

So, if you're lucky enough to live in Illinois, California, Nevada, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Utah or Washington, then get yourself to Red Mango (unless you live in Evanston; then you should stay home, because the line is already too long). I know it sounds like I've gone over to the dark side, but this is a true ice cream lover talking, so you can trust me.

If you're drooling over your keyboard now, you may be happy to learn that July is National Ice Cream Month and that, this year, National Ice Cream Day will be celebrated on Sunday, July 20. Click here to let me know how you plan to celebrate.

Photo credit: Ice Cream Cone ~ 8 scoops + 3 Diamond Rings by Tiffany by Prayitno via a Creative Commons license. 

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